I recently saw “The Assassination Of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford” and was disappointed to find that they’d managed to make a film even more indulgently extended than this title.

If, like me, you are a fan of the divinely gifted Roger Deakins then it is worth watching since it is one of the most searingly beautiful things that even he has shot. In an ideal world, rather than wall paper I’d have my walls decorated just with this film. I just don’t want to have to concentrate on it because it really is one of the most meandering pieces of indulgent tosh I’ve seen in ages and I also recently watched “Oh, Lucky Man”.

Generally I think of myself as a fan of Brad Pitt but I realise that actually what I like is a good Brad Pitt cameo. Brad Pitt in “Twelve Monkeys”. Brad Pitt in “Fight Club”. Even, dare I say it, Brad Pitt in the otherwise relentlessly awful “Burn Before Watching”. In all of these Brad is coolest, most deliciously alive thing on the screen. He bursts on, does something brilliant, then disappears leaving you longing more.

In “The Assassinations Of The Jesse Jameses By The Lesser Known Co-Star Casey Afflick” Brad should have been doing just that – popping up to show he is the most compelling thing in the world and then being killed so that we miss him. Instead he hangs around for almost the whole of the two and half hours duration and the entire story has to keep grinding to a stop so he can act at us. Acting in this film takes too forms, being motionless or barking, neither to any real purpose since nothing is actually happening.

However this is not the most irritating thing about the film. The most irritating thing about the film is, admittedly, trivial, but never the less, still causes me a burning sense of frustration and annoyance. The first time we see Brad he is stood looking beautiful in a field and the camera lingers over his body whilst a voice over describes Jesse James at the point of meeting him. He is 32, and though Brad is now in his seventies he could still pass for 25 so no trouble there. Jesse had lost part of his finger, queue close up of Brad’s hand complete with incomplete digits. Lastly we are told that Jesse suffered from a condition known as granulated eyelids which meant he blinked more than average men. At this point Brad blinks. For almost the one and only time in the entire film.

Clearly Brad, as actor, has decided he wants to play Jesse as a silent force of power and natural authority. This is mainly conveyed by sitting at the end of tables and staring at people. Naturally enough he felt that playing the man as constantly blinking would make him look a bit silly, would weaken him. I have no trouble with this because it is, after all, a film, but, since Brad is also the Producer of the film you’d have thought that having made this artistic decision about his performance he’d have asked for the otherwise entirely redundant piece of voice over about the blinking to be taken out. It adds nothing except meaning that I could barely watch the film. For two and half hours I could barely think a single thought besides “WHEN IS HE GOING TO START BLINKING? HE HAS AN EYE CONDITION! WHEN IS HE GOING TO START BLINKING?”