ASK & DISCUSS INDEX

11 years, 1 month ago - Kate McCoid

Hey Jonathan!

I've just finished watching your short. I loved it.
My mother is a carer so this story is the kind that is very close to my heart.

First, the opening shot was great. It looked like a stage curtain until her feet came into shot. The montage as she gets ready was particularly cinematic.

I found each carer who visited to have a very life-like personality. These feel like real people, real conversations I've heard and had myself. The dialogue was great and I think the waffling of the first carer worked brilliantly.

"Now available in yellow". Really made me laugh & as a whole I thought your TV coverage was excellent. You've imitated each advert and TV show in a way that is realistic but also comedic.

The production design was so detailed, the wallpaper particularly grabbed my eye, along with the various nicknacks in the living room.

The Slider montage was very humorous. Looks like it was a laugh to film too.

My only criticism would be that I felt the main actress had the least convincing performance compared to the others. Some of it felt a little forced, but this is something very minor & is really only a nit pick.

"I wish we'd done this more often." Had me welling up and after she looked at her husbands photo and started to rub her hands I had a little blub to myself. We all take the things we love for granted in our youth.

Great, great job. Are you entering this into any festivals? I really loved it & will be sharing it with my friends.

All the best with future projects Jonathan.

Best,

Kate

11 years, 1 month ago - David Rogers

Hi Jonathan

I'd like to echo everything said above. I definitely agree the powerful opening shot is lovely and that there is a lot of great observation going on. Beautiful location and feels very warm. I love the dynamic between the final two actors.

Also agreeing with the comments above, I would say that the main character comes across as weak. But I think that is because she doesn't have anything to do. I was taught that a common mistake writers make is creating a protagonist who doesn't make decisions. We can't relate to her because she isn't trying to do anything that the antagonists can frustrate.

The audience embraces characters who make decisions, even stupid ones.. 'Who is this person and what do they want?' I'd like to have seen her be more unpleasant and frustrated towards the first two characters, yet feel lonely when they leave. [She wants to be able to control her world.] And then her interaction with the the third character would make more sense. For example if the first two carers were unexpected, the frustration and reaction would be more powerful and then the relief and release of tension when the third woman arrives would have more intensity. That would also add to the sense that the world has moved on without her. Then the frustration could explode and transform to grief that would add to the final scene.

So I really like the look and the concept and I think all that is missing is some arc for the protagonist - and I think a good arc would be Bitter Frustration transforming into Grief.

Hope that helps. I want to say how much I love the look and feel and I really enjoyed watching, and I am saying everything above because I am passionate about the point.

Good luck,
David