ASK & DISCUSS INDEX

12 years ago - Richard Nash

Film everything that moves. Don't think about how or why, but never cut - it may trigger brain activity.

Produce nothing. Who needs a story? Relentless coverage of unstructured, pointless banality is just what your editor needs.

Rarely interview anyone, especially if something dramatic has just happened. Much better to pick this up 8 months later when your edit's massively overrun and they've forgotten the incident.

If you do film an interview, cover every conceivable base apart from subjects relevant to the programme you're making. Choose a distracting and wildly inappropriate background, get the white balance wrong (the world's yellow, isn't it?) and have them tell humongous anecdotes about people not featured in the film.

Don't listen to what the people you are filming are saying. When they are crying, declaring eternal love or hitting each other, why not pick up cut-aways of household ornaments? Stay on them in sync for hours when they are talking about their holiday plans or local parking issues.

Ignore sound. Film crucial scenes with the radio on, conduct tearful interviews next to concrete mixers and ensure crying babies and barking dogs are always at your key locations. Top mics are ideal in noisy environments, booms belong in shot and radio mics should be tuned in to the local minicab firm.

Use as many cameras as possible but never sync them up and ensure the operators are entirely unskilled. Don't direct them, as this risks the footage becoming usable. Better to have all the cameras on almost the same frame, crossing the line or in each other's shots.

Be an anxious, neurotic fun-sponge, soaking up all humour, goodwill and energy from contributors, crew and production team. People work much better when they're shouted at.

Film endless takes but give no direction in between, so all nineteen versions are near-identical but progressively listless.

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