ASK & DISCUSS INDEX

9 years, 9 months ago - Andy Sowerby

Hi Spike / Jon, thanks so much for watch and for your notes.

It's not negative at all - I've been far more harsh than this to myself! (you really are your own worse critic...). It does all help.

I've already started a much shorter cut a while back and it does follow some of these notes already which is a good sign, but I don't have much extra dialogue so I'm kind of stuck there.

I think ultimately I wanted to create mystery but have ended up with confusion... well at least I hopefully can learn from it.

Spike - re your lip reading comment... is that to say you can't hear/understand what the characters are saying? Perhaps I can look at some alternate takes for more clarity?

Jon - you're not meant to find out what was in the package, as I said above I wanted mystery... but I think I've failed. I'll see what I can do, but I don't know if I can fix it this time... but hopefully I can learn and fail better next time!!
To quote Samuel Beckett: Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.

Thanks again for taking the time to watch my film.

Andy

9 years, 9 months ago - Andy Sowerby

Thanks Mark,

I take your point - you need to get the audience on the character's side.

I don't have any more scenes with them, so I'll have to see what I can do.

Thanks for taking the time to watch and comment!

Andy

9 years, 9 months ago - Andy Sowerby

Dan, thanks for the comments, all very good!

I'm with you 100%. I've basically come to the a lot of the same conclusions, which is why this film has sat on my hard drive for about a year rather than being in the public. I'll admit I've f**ked it up! And this comes down mainly to my script - I know this much now.

Good point on the mumbling dialogue - definitely something to learn from for my next shoot. Thanks.

You're bang on re the genre, thanks for that - As you suggest I think I'll probably try comedy route as I'd agree I don't think I've got the shots. Perhaps new music / sound design could help cement the comedy further? I'll have to see.

Thanks so for taking the time to watch and comment!

...Now please excuse me while I go and frame fuck my dead horse of a film ;)

Andy

9 years, 9 months ago - Mark Keegan

Hi Andy,

Overall I enjoyed it. The basic premise and set up is great and ideal for a low budget shoot. I concur with the comments about a bit more clarity being needed. I think it could have been strengthened if we had spent a little more time with the two
thieves at the beginning. Just a few exchanges to establish a bit about them and their relationship e.g. did they know
each other before? They get trapped so quickly that no tension is allowed to build up and the audience don't get much of a chance to start caring whether or not the guys manage to escape.
Hope that helps.

Regards,

Mark Keegan
www.markkeegan.com

9 years, 9 months ago - Andy Sowerby

Although actually re the package...I do of course know what it meant to be. It's meant to be some kind of saucy sex pictures or something of the woman and another man, this man is the thieves "employer". The employer (man having affair with woman) has hired the bungling thieves to retrieve the pictures back... (perhaps because the woman is blackmailing him?)

I understand much of this isn't necessarily given away in the film, but I wanted it be a bit of mystery (confusion??)

One idea I just thought of it to maybe put a phone call on black screen at the opening from "employer" to thief telling them the job - thus adding some exposition... could be clunky, but could work?

It's good to talk about it.

Cheers,

Andy

9 years, 9 months ago - Andy Sowerby

Ha! Thanks Dan.

9 years, 9 months ago - William Webb

Hey, unfortunately that link/password doesn't appear to work!

9 years, 9 months ago - Spike Jefferson

I liked it, but I must be a bit thick, 'cause I couldn't work out exactly who had been doing what with whom.
Presumably one of the burglars. It doesn't help that I can't lip read!
Regards,
Spike Jefferson.

9 years, 9 months ago - Andy Sowerby

Hi Joanne,

Thanks for the comments and congratulations. I'm glad you liked it. Note taken on the dialogue.

Thanks again,

Andy

9 years, 9 months ago - Dan Selakovich

It's not a dead horse!! It's there, just bring it out. If I thought it was hopeless, I wouldn't have commented at all.

9 years, 9 months ago - Joanne Gale

Also congratulations, what a lot of work and effort to get this far!

9 years, 9 months ago - Joanne Gale

Hey Andrew
Personally I think its very clear what the photos are. Shame, the two men go to all that effort and then she admits the affair. I felt the characters dialogue and reactions were great. Some really nice characteristics too. Personally I would hate to see what are on the photos and prefer to see the characters reactions. I agree that some of the dialogue could be a little louder if that is possible. Hope that helps.

9 years, 9 months ago - Jon Rees

Hi Andy,

Just had a watch and here are the notes I made:

I would cut the line "They're definitely here", it's too much.
I would cut them falling over at the bottom of the stairs in front of the man. This feels too unrealistic to me. I would keep him asleep until the pants.
I would remove the beeping and the alarm. It doesn't feel like it's supposed to be there and is distracting.

Problems for me:
I didn't catch who their employer was at the beginning.
I didn't understand what was in the package and their reaction to it at the end. This is the biggie and I don't know what you could do unless you have more footage or perhaps dialogue that can be laid over a shot.

Sorry if any of that sounds negative, just my honest feedback. Hope it helps!

9 years, 9 months ago - Andy Sowerby

Hmm odd. I just double checked it and it works me (when I'm signed out of my vimeo account).

PASSWORD: brownbag

LINK: https://vimeo.com/99725037

9 years, 9 months ago - Dan Selakovich

I don't think you're exactly pulling off the "Kiss Me Deadly" device here. Maybe show us the photo and see how that works. Personally, I don't think you have enough set-up at all to tell us why these guys are in the house if they are not robbing it of anything not nailed down. And if they know why they are robbing the house, why does the white thief looks surprised when he sees the photo, or whatever it is?

I couldn't understand the black actor in the first scene (though I think he's your best actor, and not his fault. Your sound mixer should have said something. Please keep in mind, since you know the dialogue, you have to be especially aware of mumbling. It will sound different to you than to an audience seeing it for the first time. ADR that bit, for sure). I assume his dialogue sets up the film. At least I hope it does, because I had no idea what was going on.

Without sitting next to you, and really frame fucking this thing (that's a Hollywood technical term. I'm not trying to be an asshole), it would be hard to help you with the editing, but you simply have to work on your suspense cutting. This is a version of Hitchcock's "bomb under the table scene" (for a current look at that scene, Tarantino's "Inglorious Basterds" farmhouse scene with the Jews under the floorboards). But having said that, I think if you got it clear in your own head about what the genre is, it would help a lot. Right now, it seems you're mixing comedy and suspense. I think suspense until they are all in the living room is fine, then a bit of your comedy ending. You're robbing us of the punchline by not showing us what they were stealing. Right now, it's "A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head." Without the duck saying "can you get this guy off my ass?" punchline. Or you could go the entire comedy route, and cut the entire film that way. That might be better than mixing genres, because I don't think you have the shots to make it suspenseful---or maybe you do. I don't know.

The one thing I would cut out for sure is the first camera track back when the husband is hanging up his coat. It feels really weird having that short track, then stop, for something so mundane. Either start the track back earlier, or pick up the shot just after the camera stops moving.

The man playing the husband didn't have enough time to work on his character. You've simply got to cut a better performance out of him. Also, is that the music you're going with for the final? It doesn't match him at all. There is no way I can see this guy relaxing to house music.