ASK & DISCUSS INDEX

10 years, 1 month ago - Jordan Stephens

Thank you so much for giving me your time everyone! It really means a lot.

This is such wonderful detailed feedback, it's definitely given me a great amount to think about, which is amazing!

Apologies for the grammar, I am dyslexic and these always manage to slip through. I'll make sure though that I never put something out again, without it being read through by someone else.

Thank you all for your help. It can be quite hard to get critical feedback from others so I am extremely appreciative of you all.

10 years, 1 month ago - Alève Mine

PS: providing you will shoot it without the need for third party approval. Or with approval from people who know that if you write things differently, it works well.

10 years, 1 month ago - Alève Mine

While not having read the script -

Regarding adding camera (or acting, or anthing else for that sake) directions. That depends if you're planning to direct the film. In which case, I'd suggest to just formulate things as you see fit. A script is just one way of doing things.

10 years, 1 month ago - Bob Eckhard

Hi Jordan

Had a quick read so excuse me if I've missed anything I will now mention here. Firstly, I agree with the comments above particularly the level of interest aspect and what your intention is. As with all screenwriting, you start with a compelling question - yours: about the man who has been handcuffed. we are left with questions like 'who is he?' what is he being arrested for?' Is he guilty?' but then you never develop it.

Yes, a compelling question keeps us curious but by midway we have to guess the guilty person is the boyfriend and his temper has undone him. By that point, people switch off so you must find a way to keep them curious to the end and even surprise them with a twist. Maybe the boyfriend could be bleeding as he gives his moral epiphany and its the other guy going to prison? Or perhaps the boyfriend is arrested for the murder and its the girlfriend who did it? (but only if you mask it well at the start).

As for the moral dialogue about what has been learnt at the end, try to hide this within the script so as Marlon suggests the 'visual magic' brings people to think/reflect on what they have viewed. Much better when a person discovers a truth for him/herself than to be told what it is. Aside from that, i thought the dialogue was good but you can cut it down by 30-40% Cinema is visual, not a stage play. Show emotions to the audience - don't have the actors tell them out loud as if they are on informing people on the back row of the theatre. All the best, Bob

10 years, 1 month ago - Jon (Jack) Gritton

Hi Jordan, I'll second Wozy's comments on spelling and grammar, although they can seem unimportant, they can mean a lot to some people and if those people are deciding whether to fund you or not...

I had trouble with the closing scene of the script. What you're presenting is that these two men in the girl's life now share a common failing and guilt and that allows them to connect. However, what we've *seen* is the young man badly beat another youth, then kill or seriously injure the girl, whereas "all" the father has done is shout at his daughter for coming home late. There's too big a gulf between the two behaviours for me to believe the father would be in a position to share with his daughter's killer - particularly as the script also suggests the father doesn't know this young man at all.

If the two men need to end up sharing their guilt for their individual actions, *both* of them need to have *directly* contributed to her death. If we were made aware that the father's anger was typical and frequent, and that on this night it caused her to run out of the house, he could then easily blame himself to what happens to her away from home. If the youth meets her and then *his* actions cause her to run away from him, perhaps to be run down by a car for example, he too will feel responsible for her death. In this way, both men caused her to run, and both men feel responsible for her death so you have a much more believable situation for them to feel akin.

The problem with this approach is that you no longer have the youth in custody, but where the two men meet is largely irrelevant to the story, they could just as easily be at her funeral, or the hospital (she doesn't necessarily have to die), etc.

One minor point; I think you need to have the girl notice the cut on his face as soon as she sees him. When you meet someone you know who has an obvious injury - especially a fresh and violent one - it's going to be the first thing you remark upon, not something you mention after you've been chatting for two minutes.

10 years, 1 month ago - Lee 'Wozy' Warren

Hey Jordan,

Nice try at writing a short script. It's never easy the first time to do something if you have never done it before. So well done.

My initial comments and what came to mind first as I was reading it were the spelling and grammar errors. There's a lot of them. This may seem petty but it puts the reader off when they come across them. A simple spell and grammar check at the end will help or having someone else read it.

You need to loose any direction and camera moves too. You only have them in a shooting script. And if it was a shooting script you'd also have scene numbers. But as this is a first draft of a spec script, it should just be description, action and dialogue.

The dialogue is very on the nose throughout but this can be typical on a first draft. It's takes time to get to know your characters and their voice will only come when you know them. Some areas to think about when working on dialogue could include: dialogue is a screenwriting tool like visuals, music, character, etc. it has two main things happening - a constant expression of character, and - consistent attack/counterattack. Try and use dialogue to set something up, pay it off, providing other meanings, highlighting something that needs to be in the foreground, foreshadowing something coming up or a number of other things.

The themes are quite obvious. Maybe wind them back a bit so that they are more subtle. Less can be more.

The pacing and timing didn't seem too bad, but I would focus on getting the plotting right, characters unique and structure solid.

Just a few things to think about from my pov. Others may offer a different opinion. But the basics of format, spelling and grammar are never wrong. Even if your story is amazing, the poor choices on the basics can mean it goes in the bin before it's even read.

Best

Wozy

10 years, 1 month ago - Marlom Tander

You didn't ask for feedback on The Story, and IMO it's the story that is the problem. Ask yourself a simple question :-

Is the STORY satisfying? Would an audience come out laughing/crying/thinking? (I didn't. I came out thinking I just wasted good reading time). Once you have the answer to that, then it's all about dialogue, themes, pacing etc.

Also Shorts are damned hard to write. They are poems, not novels, and as poems, everything has to be perfect.

My advice - advertise for writers with short scripts that can be filmed "modern day, normal clothes, homes and street locations, small cast. Budget might run to a modest build". See what comes through. Work your visual magic on a script that will reward the effort.

Rule 1 - filmic execution cannot rescue a bad story. But it can absolutely MAKE a good one.

Of course, no one knows anything, so if everyone else loves it (and by everyone, I mean everyone who doesn't know you) ignore me and shoot it :-)

Good luck